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The Fucking Machine Buyers Guide

Well if you are reading this then you are obviously interested in Fucking Machine Fun. I thought that I should put some of my thoughts and advice down on my blog to try to help guide anyone looking to buy their own Fucking Machine. Whilst I do indeed sell the F-Machine Pro myself it is by no means the only Fucking Machine on the market and from a purchasers prospective it can be a very confusing choice as to which to get.

The Basics

So what is a Fucking Machine? Put simply it does what its name suggests, it turns electrical energy in linear motion (that's the science bit out of the way) oh yes and it usually carries a dildo or Fleshlight so that it can Fuck you. You should be thinking about such things as length of thrust (how deeply it can fuck you), its speed (how fast it can fuck you), can the speed be varied, can the length of thrust be varied the list goes on and on.

Useful Questions

As I have just touched upon, buying a Fucking Machine raises a number of questions and some of them are listed below. You should consider each one and how the different machines on the market answer them. So without further ado here is a list of questions, no doubt you will be able to come up with a few of your own but these will get you thinking about the machines performance:

  1. How fast can it go?- Now lets face it, I doubt you are buying a Fucking Machine so that you can spend all day building up to an orgasm and so speed is important.
  2. How deeply can it go?- This is a very important question and it really does affect performance not just in depth of stroke but it will also affect the speed of the machine. Let me explain, when the machine is fucking you the orifice that it is going in and out of will be applying resistance to the dildo, the longer that it has to travel in each stroke, the more resistance will have to be overcome and the motor will have to work harder. A fucking machine set to a long stroke will cycle much more slowly on its fastest setting than when it is set for a short stroke.
  3. What positions can it be used in?- You want, no, you need a machine that can be set at different heights and angles to allow for comfortable penetration in a range of sexual positions.
  4. Safety?- You should think long and hard about safety. There is a story going round the internet about a woman who was rushed into A&E because her husband had experimented with a reciprocating saw with a dildo slid over the saws blade. Now the astute readers out there might already be cringing imagining what was about to happen when he inserted it into her pussy and switched it on. The blade ate through the dildo before continuing its way through her vaginal walls. A horrible story but it does illustrate a point, be sensible when you consider sticking anything into or over your family jewels. Don't convert power tools, they are great at doing what they were designed to do but are a recipe for disaster in bed. Make sure that the machine you are interested has passed the relevant safety tests, in the UK it should carry the kite mark or be CE approved.
  5. How easy is it to adjust?- You want a machine that is easy to adjust in terms of stroke length and speed without the need for tools or having long gaps in your playtime, causing you to lose the moment.
  6. What dildos/attachments can it take?- You need a machine that will accept a wide range of dildos or attachments. I have found that any machine with a vac-u-lock end (google it) is great as the choice of dildos is huge. Stay away from machines that tie you into using one attachment of having to get a special one from the manufacturer as this will limit your choices and ultimately be very expensive. The sybian is a classic example of this, it's an amazing machine but the attachments are very expensive and only made by the manufacturer, so your choices are limited (amazing machine though).
  7. How fast can I change attachments? - I have seen machines where you actually need tools to change the attachments, not good if you are in thr throes of passion and so I would recommend a machine with a quick release system such as the vac-u-lock system.
  8. Ease of cleaning and what are its main materials?- It's a fucking machine, it is going to get messy. You will need to clean it between uses and so you want something that is made out of materials that are easy to keep clean such as non rusting metals (aluminium and stainless steel) and plastics.
  9. Where can I use it?- Sounds like a daft question but it isn't, you can get machines that are big and floor mounted and this will limit where you can use them. How big is the power cord for instance.
  10. How am I going to store it?- Getting a fucking machine the size of a sofa might seem like a good idea but ask yourself what will you do with it between session on it. You will need to hide it away from prying eyes unless your are a pro-domme with a dungeon that is. Get something that is easy to collapse, fold down or strip for storage.
  11. How noisy is it?- An important consideration this one especially if you live in a flat or a house with thin walls. Something that sounds like a roadside jack-hammer probably isn't going to be good for you unless you are a screamer of course in which case the neighbours might relish the thought of something drowning out your orgasmic cries.
  12. How much does it cost?- I've put this last but it i still a very important question, these machines are not cheap by any stretch of the imagination so you need to make sure that you can justify buying one and more importantky can afford one. After all it is just a glorified dildo on the end of a mechanical partner, it might be cheaper to go out on the town and have a one night stand but then again you can't catch anything of a dildo (one you own I hasten to add).

What Next

Well if you have read this far there is obviously no hope for you as you must be seriously thinking about getting a Fucking Machine. If you are then I wish you all the best of orgasmic enjoyment with it and I hope that this post has helped you decide which model to get.


PS - Please use the comments form below as I would love to hear what you think of this post.

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One Year of Fucking Machine Fuckery

Well we are now one year old (Yay, dons party hat and blows annoying whistle). What started out as a good idea has grown bigger than we ever imagined. We started our service a year ago to offer low cost Fucking Machine experiences and it has proved to be a very popular service indeed.

What have we planned for the future?

Well it looks like we will need to get some more machines in and we may start carrying a range of different machines to give our regulars (big shout out to you all, you know who you are) some variety. We will also be doing the following:

  1. New website - it's in the works at the moment to make it easier to check availability and make bookings.
  2. More variety of attachments and dildos for our fucking machines.
  3. We will be bringing the Rocky attachment online to allow guys to use the fucking machine with a fleshlight and/or dildo.

We would like to thank everyone for their support over the last year and we look forward to hearing from old and of course new customers in our second year of business. Rest assured that our high standards in terms of equipment, service, hygiene and of course discretion will be the focus of our efforts in the future as usual. Thanks again...

Happy Fucking Machine Fuckery

Do you like MILFs? Daft question I suppose as who doesn't.

I have found a couple of very sexy MILFs from just up the road who share our enjoyment of Fucking Machines. They get up to all sorts of very naughty things and are actively searching for guys and gals to join them in their sexy fun and games. So if you fancy helping them out and at the same time having a heck of a lot of fun yourself then get in touch with them.

Toys, anal, Bi-sexual action and Fucking Machines, they've got the lot so there is something there for everyone.

I look forward to having some fun with them myself in the future and of course you will be able to find out all about it on their site so check them out.

2 Mature MILFs

Do you use lube? It's a serious question especially if you are considering some Fucking Machine Fun.

Surprisingly many of us don’t according to a survey undertaken by the American sex toy company Adam & Eve. Over 1,000 adults were asked if they incorporated lubricants into their love-making and they found that only 17% admitted that they frequently used lubricants, 39% said that they included them sometimes, and a whopping 43% said that they never used them at all.

Top Tip, if you are thinking of using a Fucking Machine to give yourself or your better half a good seeing to then make sure you lube up.

Why bother? Well the human vagina and especially the anus aren't designed to be shagged relentlessly at upto four strokes a second, vaginal juices can dry up at these speeds due to friction and the anus doesn't produce its own lubricant so it's essential there that you lube up.

I'm not trying to put anyone off using a Fucking Machine, I am simply stating that using a light lubricant can add to the enjoyment and your ability to take a pounding for longer before needing a rest. Think about it, you know it makes sense.

This has been a public health announcement from a perve who rents Fucking Machines ;-)

I am in the very lucky position that I now get bookings and referals through word of mouth and friends sharing my details. Well last nights session was just that. I arrived at a nice house in a quiet street in Nottingham and after ringing the doorbell I was shown in by a very sexy looking 18 year old woman who to be frank looked amazing.

We chatted over a cup of coffee and I did my usual patter about how the sessions work and I tried to find out what she wanted to achieve from the meeting. It turns out that a friend of hers told her about my service and she couldn't stop thinking about being fucked by a machine ever since. She was quite shy and so it took a while for her to relax and open up to me and she told me that she hadn't even used a vibrator before and only used her fingers when masturbating.

I told her that I had the rabbit attachments for the fucking machine dildos and we could try her on that. She jumped at the offer and I then got set up.

After putting the fucking machine together I waited for her to come into the room and when she did my eyes nearly popped out of my head. She was wearing a basque and stockings under a dressing gown. She let the dressing gown drop to the floor and asked me how best to proceed so I told her to get on the bed and layback and I would get the machine into position. She got on the bed and started to stroke her clit as I moved the machine between her legs. She was already very wet and her shaven pussy lips glistened with her juices. I had fitted a rabbit attachment to the dildo I was going to use on her and I asked her if she was ready and she nodded, stil rubbing her clit.

I unlocked the thrust arm and slid the dildo towards her wet pussy lips until it was inside her by about an inch, I then locked the arm in position and told her that I was going to cycle the machine by hand to make sure that she could take the depth of thrust that I had set (about four inches) and she moaned as I turned the motors arm by hand causing the dildo to slide into her stretching her pussy open.

Once it was fully inside her on the in stroke I moved the rabbit stimulator down so that it was about an inch from clit, it wasn't switched on at this stage as I wanted to take it slowly with her. I then continued to cycle the machine so that the dildo slid out of her and I got to see one of my favourite sights. Pussy lips clinging to a dildo and it sliding out from between them slick with pussy juices. After I was happy that the machine was set correctly I switched it on and it slowly started to move in and out of her pussy and she started to play with her breasts and nipples with her eyes closed as the machine did its job.

After about five minutes of this she was panting loudly and moving her hips in time with the thrusts and I asked her if she was ready to cum for the first time on a Fucking Machine and she nodded her head. I stopped the machine at the end of the withdraw stroke so that it was only just inside her pussy. I moved the rabbit attachment an inch towards her clitoris down the dildo and switched it on and it buzzed powerfully. She immediately groaned as the vibrations were transmitted down the dildo and into her pussy.

I then started fucking her with the machine again but this time the rabbit vibrator was buzzing against her clitoris when the dildo was at its deepest point and she came almost instantly with a very powerfull orgasm that rocked her body, she grabbed a pillow and bit into it to try to stiffle her moans. I slowed the machine down as she came and switched the rabbit off. Once she had calmed down I asked her how the rabbit felt and needless to say she had good things to say about it.

The rest of the session consisted of her getting fucked repeatedly in every conceivable position and I took some photos of the machine in her pussy for her boyfriend to enjoy. As with every booking I leave the dildos and attachments with the client as I never re-use them again and I know for a fact that the dildo and rabbit attachment is going to get a hammering. Her parting words were that she would be off to Anne Summers today to get herself a rabbit vibrator.

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Renting Makes A Lot Of Sense

As Sex Machines are so expensive it makes a lot of sense to rent one before going on to buy one. Why not try before you buy.
Combination Padlocks

Secure Transit Cases

No one, not even the courier knows what is inside our rental sex machine secure transit cases. The good thing about the cases is that you can secure the machine in it in the house away from prying eyes.
Treat Your Partner Or Yourself

Special Occasions

Renting a sex machine is a great way to organise a special evening, do something different from the norm. Our service is great for satisfying your fantasies and ticking something else off your sexual bucket list.
Gender Neutral

Anyone Can Enjoy It

Anyone can enjoy a fucking machine and whether you are on your own or part of a couple they can add an exciting new dimension to your sexual fun and games.